RCHL

Unfolding my life as you read between the lines.

thank you for renewing my faith in love!

Four months ago, I had convinced myself that I could live and survive in this world without a significant other. I told myself I was capable of making myself happy. I made myself believe that love was a feeling I could easily avoid. Somehow, I became disinterested in falling in love, in opening up myself, in caring for someone.

But then I met you and everything changed.

You made me take a step back and reconsider my decision of refusing to believe in love. You have a strange way of triggering my softness. The sound of your voice encourages me to show my vulnerability, and to feel comfortable with sharing my emotions. Your simple existence makes me want to tear down my walls.

And I’m still clueless how you’re able to do that. I’m surprised by your ability to light a fire in my cold, dysfunctional heart. I wonder if it’s a talent you’re born with, or you’re just used to handling someone who used to carry a heavy baggage. Either way, I’m glad you came into my life.

You made me realized that I’ve been waiting for you for what feels like eternity.

I wish for you when I’m dead tired from a bad day, and all I want is a person who can calm me down. You make a surprise appearance in my story, admittedly when I’m beginning to get sick of my world. You switch a button that brings light to my surroundings.

My life isn’t perfect – and will never be – but I’m so thankful that you’re here to make it a little less lonely. I can’t thank you enough for infecting me with your positive vibes. I’m glad to have your laughter as my new favorite sound in this world. I’m glad with the way you can easily bring a smile to my lips. I’m glad that you inspire me and always remind me to follow my heart above all. I’m amazed by how you make me fall in love with you more, as I get to know you.

You renewed my faith in love. You helped me share a piece of my heart again. And you have all the right in the world to own it, to put fences around it, and to make it yours. But all I’m asking you is to handle it with caution, because the one who held it before you crushed it. I can’t afford another betrayal, and another round of picking up the pieces of my heart.

But by looking at your eyes, I know that I can trust you. I know that my experience with love is going to be different this time around. I’m confident that you’re way too nice to hurt anyone. And even if we argue about petty things once in a while, I believe that you’re not going to let a day end without making amends with each other.

I can’t predict our future together. I have no means of knowing whether I’m the one you’re going to end up with. But what I’m certain for sure is that I’m grateful that I have you in my life right now.

And I promise that you will always have a special place in my heart, no matter what.

Xx

R.

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a letter of farewell and gratitude to the person who chose to let me go.

I hope you are well. I know I wasn’t able to explain everything to you. You know I tried, but I didnt have the time. I was so preoccupied on moving on from you.

I loved you, yes we both know that and between the two of us I was the only one brave enough to say it — to show it. What’s funny is that even after everything you put me through, I would never want you to experience the same pain I felt.

You may not like everything I say in this letter, but I’m writing it anyway to free myself from all the guilt and sadness. Im okay now, I have moved on but I thought that you should know because I know that one way or another, you will stumble upon this post. I’m writing it for people like me, who poured out their love to someone whose heart is a bottomless pit, incapable of returning the love they receive.

Thank you! I know you’ll be wondering why I’m saying thank you after everything I said. I want to say thank you, for showing me how capable I am to love someone, even to the point of me giving up on myself. Thank you for letting me learn the consequences of pouring out all the love I have for you, only to feel empty when you thought my love will never be enough. Thank you, for constantly giving me reasons to leave even after trying to ignore all the red flags.

Thank you, for all the adventures we had together. Those fun long drives that we had were one of the best memories I will cherish forever. It will be really unfair of me if I wouldn’t give you the credit for making me happy, because I was happy. Thank you for making me feel that I’m the best girl in the world during the times you don’t feel the need to make me feel like I was never worth it. And the babies, they made me really happy. I wouldnt change a thing with them.

Thank you for letting me down and giving me the opportunity to receive the love I deserve from someone who is yet to come in my life.

Well, to be honest, I kind of hope that you are “irreplaceable”. Because I wouldn’t want someone to replace you as the person who broke my heart a million times. Having you break me is already enough, believe me I don’t need another one like you.

I hope though, that I would be someone irreplaceable in your life. Not as a girl who was so stubbornly stupid, but someone who loved you so dearly even if it means letting go of my pride.

Sorry if I wasn’t good enough. Sorry for all the mistakes I did. Sorry for everything I did that caused you pain. I’ll be really unfair if I say that you were the only one who caused pain in this relationship, because we both know we had our fair share of dirty laundries. Sorry, if I held on to you during those times that I should have let you go. Sorry for expecting too much from you. I shouldn’t have expected the same understanding and love I gave you because I knew from the start that it’s something you are incapable of. I should have realized that what we had was doomed right from the start.

I am sorry, sorry for pretending I was strong when every inch of me was breaking inside bone by bone. Maybe if I gave you a glimpse of how weak I was, you could have been strong for me too. I am sorry for not being strong enough this time that I’m finally letting you go.

As cliché’ as it sounds, I’m hoping that there’s good in this goodbye. I’m saying goodbye to all the heartaches we had, even if it means saying goodbye to all our bad memories together. I’m saying goodbye so we will be able to open up ourselves to all the good things God is yet to offer. I wish you well and I know youve already met a strong woman, not someone like me who’s only good at pretending to be strong.

I wish you all the good things in life. It may sound unbelievable, but I think I will always have a heart that cares for you. Thank you for every memory we shared, the love, and all the pain. All those things made me grow as a person, and for that I will always be thankful. You’re not who you think you are, because you don’t have the power over me anymore. You don’t have the capacity to dictate how unworthy I am to be loved because right now I have already freed myself from you. I am sorry, if I chose to let you go; I am sorry, if I chose to love myself a little more this time.

Goodbye.

Always,

Mmiii 😊

the days. 

One year ago today, I went out for pizza and a bucket full of good conversation with someone whom I never thought would mean a lot to me and it was one of the greatest memories I’d always cherish.

The smell of cheese stuck on my hair and the amazing conversation that led one after the other.

Im always thankful to God for having our paths cross. Things may be a little different from a year ago, but I assure you Im still the same person you shared that pizza with. The road ahead may get a bit bumpier than it has ever been, still, I want you to know that Im more glad to share every journey with you. I love you, always! 

Xx

R.

predictability of the unknown. 

Back in the day, reality introduced me to love and the word ‘goodbye’ was still unknown. But under some unavoidable circumstances, reality made the word ‘goodbye’ a part of my love life. 

The boys/men that came in my life would give me a warm love in the very first days. So warm you’ll never think that it would end nor was it fake. They would promise me a love thats never-ending, but little did I know that it was fleeing as they said it. Ill admit that it was painful and as time goes by the process became predictable.

When someone leaves, another one comes and the cycle goes over and over again. They would cheat and the new one cheats and the one after that and so on. They left me asking questions to myself as to where did I go wrong, have I said something that made them change their minds about me, or was I not doing the right things. They left me with questions they could never answer, because somehow the answer would boil down to a phrase that says “you will never be enough for them”. What hurts the most is when Ive given them my all – mind, body and soul, they would disappear right away. 

They left me thinking that someone like me doesn’t deserve any bit of happiness. A routine of gathering the shattered pieces and starting anew was made. Maybe thats the good thing about me, I never lost hope on love. 

That even if happiness seemed to always find its way away from me, I will not stop in sewing and piercing back the pieces so I could offer a whole new me – scarred and used, but still willing to give my all to someone more deserving than those guys that left me with unanswered questions. Questions that left me hanging. Questions that made me wish to be a better version of myself for you and hoping that maybe you could break the cycle and the predictability of the norm. 

Goodbyes have become a standard before you came, but for the first time in a long time, you gave me a glimpse of love. And I would never want to say goodbye to you, never. All that would ever cross my mind is how much I would give the world just to make you stay. 

the reason. 

It amazes her how one person could be blessed by the ability to make a person forget how worthless she felt before she met them. Its like they have some sort of magic and they make her feel like she matters not just to their world but to others, as well.

He brought that magic to her.

He was like a wrecking ball which was a direct hit to the walls she believed to be indestructible and despite everything, she couldn’t get over the feeling of knowing that they could be something more.

He’s the unforeseen in this world full of anticipations. He reminded her that there’s still someone in this wonderful world whom she could trust. He helped her unlearn why she was protecting her heart in the first place when it could be handed to someone like him.

He made her realize that she should forget her fear of new people or new starts just because she was scared of being ripped apart again.

She cant say when or how because it all happened like a tornado just came rushing through her. She never felt so brave not until now, but what’s the point in hiding? Besides, she’ll never know what will happen to her the next day, weeks, perhaps months. But between those steamy nights in his car, their real silly conversations, the laughs that just came out of nowhere, the dates and foods they shared, she fell in love. She cant even deny it to herself. She’s in love. 

Indeed, its true that we cant choose the person to love or the relationship we want to be a part of. There are times when we know someone for a week or two and they could mean the world to you. At times, it takes longer, perhaps, sooner than that, but love as we know it, works and moves in mysterious ways. 
She doesn’t know what to call what they have. Perhaps they’re a couple who are afraid to admit what they are to each other. But despite of it all, she wants to show him she’s happy for everything. 

His are the hands that held hers when its damp just because. He told her he has feelings for her, but only he knows what it is. He never tells.

When she lets down her shield, its when she’s vulnerable and all her imperfections and wrongness appears, but he made her feel that it is possible to be inspired and accepted by someone at the same time.

She loves him yet she cant utter the words. How could she even say them when she doesn’t know how. All she knows is she understands his value, that the string between them pulls them closer whenever they’re together, and the idea of genuineness of him. 

He is reason enough for her eyes to cease wandering for options, because when she’s with him, she’s smart enough to know there’s no room for choices ’cause when you love, you love. No ifs, buts and maybes. She doesn’t have to roam and look for something more because with him she feels alive, inspired, special.

He’s the one who broke down her walls and yet she never hesitated to let him in ’cause for her, he’s worth the risk.

He cups her face and kisses her gently and she could feel her bones betraying her body as they disintegrate slowly. She will never get tired of his kisses. Hence, she’s always hungry for them.

They sometimes have petty frustrations about each other yet she cant help herself but to gaze at him thinking that frustrations may occur along the way, but he’s the kind of problem she wants to have.

“Why? Why did she fell in love with him? Isnt it too fast?” People asked.

She fell in love because he made her feel like he puts her first. He inspires her to reach for more, to take the risk on putting one foot out of the door, he gives her his time and understands her — things she never expected could come from a single person.

Its true what they say, “everything happens for a reason” and she just found hers — Him.

Xx
R. 

hello, happiness! 

Thursday.

Never did it reached my mind that God would let my path cross with yours. My relationship with my ex boyfriend had been a rollercoaster ride. I guess I was just really good in keeping it from everyone else since all of them expected me to be miserable for a very long time. After all, that was 6 years of sacrifice and unconditional love. So unconditional that I forgot about myself. A few years back, I never thought I could have a life whenever my relationship with my ex fails and then a few weeks ago, I came to a point where I couldn’t bear it anymore. I gave up. I stopped fighting for the relationship which I thought would last until infinity. But before the commotion, the universe made our paths cross out of nowhere. 

You were a stranger whom I thought wouldn’t bring that much change in me and then the unexpected came. 

I cant seem to find the reasons why, but it felt so easy to open up with you. By that time, Ive known you for days, but it seems like its been months since weve known each other. You told me about everything you could think of. You shared your advices. What amazes me the most is your interest in knowing the details about my life. I noticed that you were never bored. You’re all ears whenever I talk and you always remember the small things like my frustration on how to ride a goddamn bike. Haha

My closest friends and family knows that I rarely open up to anyone, but theres something in you that makes it so easy and light. Its only been less than a month, but I have found comfort and a confidant in you. 

I enjoyed eating lunch more than anything else. Your silliest jokes cracks me up even the not-so funny ones. Youre always there to brighten up my day and you never failed to bring a smile on my face. You became sweeter and sweeter as the day passed us by. You always come out of your way just to make sure Im okay. And Ive never had someone like you before which makes me feel like I matter for someone for the first time in forever. 

Thirty days may seem too fast but what we have between us evolved in to something deeper. My world never turned gloomy unlike the weather we’re having right now. It’s always bright and sunny with you by my side. Suddenly he was out of the picture. He never crossed my mind not even once except when you ask me about him. Later on, I found myself looking forward to being with you. 

I’ll admit, Ive never felt more special than hearing you say my name (Im referring to the one you made up haha). I always find myself smiling in the middle of the night before hitting the sack, open my phone and re-read conversations that led butterflies not just to my stomach but every cell in my system. You treat me well more than anyone else. 

Thank you for helping me move on! I want you to know you are more than enough. And I want to thank you for every single effort you’ve exerted since day one. You are highly appreciated and I want to express my gratitude to God for having our paths cross together. See you tomorrow!

To happiness!!

Xx
R. 

so much for being happy. 

I was smiling and perhaps laughing my heart out. You happened to caught a glimpse of me, you stared and thought how a typical lady like me changed your life. The thought of me coming in to your world never crossed your mind yet I am there in front of you laughing over some random petty stuff. You asked yourself “what good thing have i done to deserve such amazing human being?” and then you considered yourself lucky, vowed to never let me go, and made it your mission to make me feel happy and loved for the rest of your life…..

….
and I wonder if that ever happened before or will it ever happen in the future?
xx

R. 

midnight thoughts.

He made her thoughts run wild inside her mind like undomesticated horses. He tells her things that doesn’t even compliment a single cell in her body yet she looks at him like he had given her the moon, the stars even the galaxies other than the Milky Way. She believed and she’ll continue to believe until it hurts because thats what love is — it will remain in you, it will never be replaced unless you want it to go away. But theres no such thing as a death for love. It will always be there, deep down inside your being, sleeping and perhaps wandering discreetly until a memory would knock on its door and you’ll have no choice but to feel that same feeling not with the same person, but with another soul, another heart, another lesson. 
Xx

R. 

impossibilities. 

He reminded her of the years when she used to be someone else. 
Her mind desired to wander down the memory lane yet it wanted to stay focus on what’s ahead. 
She could feel like there’s something else inside of him waiting to be awakened by something – perhaps a gong of unending love and lust combined. 
He goes around tripping on someone else’s heart and breaking each one of them in the process as he continues on his way to where his heart and mind would take him. 
She tried to shatter the barricades he built around him.
He continued ignoring her efforts, failed to take notice of everything she’s trying to do to make things right and yet he still captures her attention, her heart, her whole being.
She’s still blinded, still trying to win his heart. For the nth time, she failed to her dismay. 
He drowned himself with lustful thoughts. As usual. 
She tried to shoo them away, but she was too blind and failed to see that she’s just one of his prospects. 
“Keep dreaming!” She told herself as she clings on to the impossible that someday he’ll decide to change his mind, break the barriers he built for some time and start clearing pathways with her as they hold their hands on their way to forever. 
Xx

R. 

Perhaps.

Perhaps its a good thing that God created me to be who I am today.
Perhaps this is the answer to all the questions I asked God a few years ago.
Perhaps this is just another trial that I should go through and that the only way to pass this is by ignoring whatever’s happening right now.
Perhaps He allowed our paths to cross so I would know the difference between the fakes and the real ones.
Perhaps everything that is going on with me and my family right now is just temporary and our shining moment is about to come again.
Perhaps you should worry about your own future especially your children’s for we don’t know what is yet to come.
Perhaps you should just keep your mouth shut for you to have a prosperous life.
Perhaps you should stop criticizing others, stop pointing fingers and fix yourself.
Perhaps you are just doing what you’re doing and saying what you’re saying because you are not fully aware of how hurtful you’ve been to others.
Indeed, life is full of surprises. One thing’s for sure though, nothing in this world is permanent. So enjoy everything that you have right now. Stay in your bubble of happiness and keep it together as long as you could, for you’ll never know that one day, under a beautiful shining sun, you’ll woke up with nothing, but regrets and missed opportunities.
To love and better days!
Xx

R. 

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